Brass Trax

Over the holiday, I became reacquainted with my niece, now a two-year-old, and we spent a lot of time driving around and listening to music. To my delight, her tastes were both eclectic and obsessive. She likes Elvis, like kids do, and wants to hear “Viva Las Vegas” played 20 times in a row. But she also likes David Bowie and will dance like a crazed, mechanical marionette if you sing “Space Oddity” to her.

Her reaction to Bowie, in particular, got me thinking about musical variety. Kids haven’t been programmed to think that weird music is weird yet. In the hopes of coaxing her away from the insipid oldies music that my mom makes her listen to, I wanted to craft a mixtape that would introduce my niece to stuff that I liked when I was younger.

But when I actually started writing down song names, I realized how difficult it was to choose toddler sure-shots. Obviously, songs with cursing are out—so long, hip-hop—as are songs with overtly sexual or depressing subject matter—it’s been real, Pixies, thanks for everything, Smog. On the other hand, if a song about an astronaut drifting to his death in the vacuum of space isn’t too much for the kid, Morrissey can’t be out of the question, can he?

So, I pressed ahead. Making a kid bounce around like a Smurf on crack has its own modest rewards, and I made my own mix, choosing songs that my niece probably hasn’t heard before. Here’s what I came up with. Parents, fellow aunts and uncles, and grandparents, please leave your own selections in the comments.

“Cut Your Hair”

Pavement

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“Cut Your Hair” introduced thousands of people to Pavement, and there’s no reason not to try it on a two-year-old. The chorus is childlike anyway, and I could easily imagine my niece saying it over and over again. Most importantly, the song is a crash-course in dissonance and shambolic song structure. Could it be the gateway drug that gets the kid hooked on the Fall? A man can hope.

“Rock Lobster”

B-52s

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“Rock Lobster” is actually a ringer. I’d heard somewhere that babies love this song, and it’s easy to see why. Children like the absurd. Children like organs. Children like the ocean deep. Children like men with creepy voices. And, of course, “Rock Lobster” has its share of dissonance, too. Dissonance is definitely something I want to program into this child.

“Trash”

New York Dolls

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“Trash” isn’t just an instant immersion into New York City punk rock. It also has a teachable moment. “Trash, won’t pick it up.” That’s your job, kid. Also, don’t date skinny New York hipsters because they won’t know whether or not they love you. Both of these lessons would actually be good for adults, too.

“It’s Tricky”

Run DMC

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It’s important to teach children how tricky it is to rock a rhyme, a feat that many adults underestimate. As a bonus, there’s an anti-drugs message at the end of the song, and I think we can all agree that toddlers should just leave coke and dope alone, except for the aforementioned Smurf crack.

“54-46″

Toots & the Maytals

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Not enough children listen to reggae in the United States, and “54-46″ is a perfect way to start. Unless, of course, your child obsesses about counting, in which case, the juxtaposition of these two numbers might make her brain explode. The smarter toddlers might figure out that this song is about going to jail, which is something everybody should be afraid of happening.

“Bam Bam”

Sister Nancy

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Once the kid was already feeling irie, I thought it wouldn’t hurt anything to introduce her to the most successful dancehall riddim in history.

“Government Center”

Modern Lovers

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Introducing a child to Modern Lovers via “Government Center” instead of, say, “Roadrunner” might be a little like teaching a kid Spanish except with Portuguese verbs. But imagine her surprise when she finally gets to Boston and realizes that Government Center is a place and not a generic idea. And maybe she’ll be the one to finally figure out who the mysterious “Mr. Ayhern” was.

“Who’s Got the Cuckoo”

Monks

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I’d lie if I didn’t say I was including this song to drive my niece’s parents insane.

“Blitzkrieg Bop”

Ramones

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It would be crime to finish this mix without something canonical as “Blitzkrieg Bop.” Listen, kid, by the time you’re old enough to read this article, your grandparents won’t be in charge of what’s oldies anymore, and you’re going to hear this song a lot. Trust me.

“I Want You Back”

Jackson 5

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Do children love or hate music made by other children? I guess we’ll find out.

“Borderline”

Madonna

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Madonna and Michael Jackson were the twin superpowers of my own childhood, so it makes conceptual sense to pair them on this CD. If “Borderline” makes me dance like a Smurf on crack, it should work on my niece, right?

“Ask”

The Smiths

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It’s never too early to learn that coyness is nice but that it can stop you from saying all the things in life that you’d like to. And it’s never too early to worry about The Bomb, The Bomb, The Bomb, The Bomb, The Bomb.

“Just Can’t Get Enough”

Depeche Mode

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I’m including this song so that when the world finally embraces the capacity of Vince Clarke’s genius, my niece will already have the entire Erasure back catalog.

“Hard Times”

Baby Huey

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I couldn’t end the mix without including at least one mind-melting, sticky funk number. “Hard Times” isn’t a deep cut, exactly, but how many toddlers will know the words to any Baby Huey tune? Hard times, crazy towns, and RZA sampled the break.

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