Humor
Our story begins inside the home of acclaimed folk-singer and animal activist Sarah McLachlan. All the guests are seated at the table and are eager to devour the special holiday feast which Mrs. McLachlan has prepared for them. The gracious host makes one special request just before all the edibles are devoured …
Sarah McLachlan: Okay, I want to thank you all for coming to my house for this beautiful holiday, and was thinking in lieu of saying a prayer we could all state what Thanksgiving means to us as individuals. Why don’t we start with you Keith.
Beat
Sarah: Keith?
Keith Richards: (Snapping out of a brief doze) Errr, what was that Sarah?
Sarah: What does Thanksgiving mean to you?
Keith Richards: Well it means a lot ya know. I mean the way those pilgrims were able to convince those Indians to smuggle all their hashish for them inside the bodies of dead turkeys. I mean that was a really, ya know, big innovation. Do you know how easy it is to sneak a pound of high grade cocaine on a plane inside the body of a frozen turkey? I can see why they would all celebrate together after smuggling all that hash successfully.
Sarah: I don’t know if that’s exactly accurate Keith.
Keith Richards: That’s how my Jamaican dope dealer described it to me lady.
Gene Simmons: Keith you know that’s not the truth! The original Thanksgiving was when the Pilgrims bought the merchandising rights to the image of the American Indian, and then conned all the Indians into having this big meal with them so they could profit on all the future paintings of the event. It was a brilliant business maneuver.
Madonna: I gotta agree with Gene here. That was the story I heard as well.
Sarah: Uhhh… Pete what do you think?
Pete Townshend: What was that?
Ted Nugent: We all know that Thanksgiving was when the pilgrims taught all those little wussy American Indians how to hunt and eat meat. It is no big secret that all American Indians were vegetarians until the Pilgrims arrived in what would become the good ol’ U.S. of A.
Keith Richards: Awwww Ted you know that’s such rubbish. The Indians ate plenty of meat before they arrived in America on the Moonflower.
Sarah: What about how the Indians and Pilgrims were able to eat together in peace even though they were both from quite diverse cultures?
50 Cent: Yeah, kinda like how Indians and Pilgrims eat side by side today at McDonald’s across the world. It’s kinda like Thanksgiving was the first McDonald’s if you really think about it.
Gene Simmons: I’ve never seen a Pilgrim at a McDonald’s.
50 Cent: I see Pilgrims at McDonald’s everyday.
Sarah: Really?
50 Cent: Yeah. Pilgrim’s just another word for “whitey.” Everyone in prison calls white guys “Pilgrims.”
Gene Simmons: What about Jewish guys who are into rock and roll and making money?
50 Cent: You mean lawyers?
Gene Simmons: Nicely played.
Pete: What was that?
Sarah: Okay…well then I’m gonna pull the tofurkey out of the oven. I hope you guys are ready to eat!
Sarah exits to the kitchen. 30 seconds later
Sarah: Oh No!!!! Tofurkey got burned! Looks like we are gonna have to make due with side dishes.
Ted Nugent: Don’t worry, I’ll take care of this.
Nugent pulls a crossbow out of his duffel bag and exits the room. Two minutes later
Mr. Peepsalot: SQUWAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!
Sarah: Mr. Peepsalot!!!!!!!
Ted Nugent re-enters the room holding a seemingly lifeless parakeet
Sarah: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ted Nugent: Don’t worry Sarah. He died for a good cause. We will eat him entirely for this glorious occasion. We will cherish his flesh.
Sarah: How could you kill a defenseless bird!!!???
Ted Nugent: He wasn’t defenseless. He could have dodged my attack. He had plenty of room to maneuver to avoid my arrows.
Sarah: He lived in a two by three foot cage!
Ted Nugent: I took aim on him from ten feet so as to make it a fair fight.
Madonna: (Gets up to examine the dead bird) Wait a second, there’s no arrow in Mr. Peepsalot and he doesn’t appear to be wounded.
Mr. Peepsalot: SQUWACK!!!! HE MISSED ME FOUR TIMES WITH THE ARROWS AND THEN HE OPENED UP MY CAGE AND CHOKED ME SQUWACK!!!!!
Pete Townshend: What was that?
Ted Nugent: Shut up bird!!!!!
Sarah: You tried to choke my parakeet to death!!!???
Mr. Peepsalot: SQUWACK!!!! YESSSSSSSS SQUWACK!!!!
Ted Nugent: He was too evasive!
Mr. Peepsalot: SQUWACK!!!! THAT GUY WHO WROTE THE WORST SEVENTIES HARD-ROCK SONGS TRIED TO CHOKE ME TO DEATH SQUWACK!!!! AND THERE WERE A TON OF TERRIBLE HARD-ROCK SONGS IN THE SEVENTIES, SO SAYING THIS GUY WROTE THE WORST OF ALL THOSE THOUSANDS OF BAD ONES IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING SQUWACK!!! WAS THAT A DOUBLE NEGATIVE? SQUWACK!!!! I MAY HAVE A SLIGHT CONCUSSION SO I AM UNSURE SQUWACK!!!! WHAT I AM SURE OF THOUGH IS THAT TED NUGENT WROTE TERRIBLE HARD-ROCK SONGS SQUWACK!!!
Ted Nugent smashes Mr. Peepsalot’s head into the dinner table
Ted Nugent: I never cared much for critics.
Mr. Peepsalot: SQUWACK!!!! I’M STILL NOT DEAD SQUWACK!!!!
Ted Nugent smashes the parakeet against the table again
Mr. Peepsalot: SQUWACK!!!! STILL NOT SQUWACK!!!!
…and again
Mr. Peepsalot: SQUWACK!!!! NOT EVEN CLOSE TEDDY SQUWACK!!!
…and again
Mr. Peepsalot: SQUWACK!!! YOU CAN’T ROCK AND YOU CAN’T KILL A DEFENSELESS BIRD SQUWACK!!!
Mr. Peepsalot empties his bowels onto Nugents hand. Nuge releases the bird and Mr. Peepsalot flies aways
Ted Nugent: God darn it!!! Do you have a dog by any chance?
Sarah picks up a tray of stuffing and smashes it into Nugents head. He passes out cold, bent over on the dinner table
And then the doorbell rings
Sarah: My God, who could that be now?
Sarah steps out of the dining room. She opens the front door and is surprised to see Snoop Dogg, Kanye West and Stevie Wonder
Snoop Dogg: Howdy Pilgrim!!! Fo-shizzle my Thanksgiving nizzle! I hiz-eard this is were the party be at shorty!
Sarah: Uhh… who told you that?
Snoop Dogg peaks into the house and notices Pete Townshend at the dinner table
Snoop Dogg: My Pilgrim Robert Daltrey!
Sarah: Who?
Snoop Dogg: Robert Daltrey! That old guy who’s in that band with all those other old guys. The Hoot! He’s British I think! He’s sitting at the table over there! Hey Robert Daltrey!
Pete Townshend: What was that?
Sarah: Ughhhh….okay. You guys can come in.
Snoop Dogg: Good, cuz we’re starving! I made these special brownies for the flight from LA if you nizow what I mean. Stevie’s so high he’s telling me he can’t even see.
The three enter the house, Stevie bumps into the side of the door
Snoop Dogg: See I told ya!
Back in the dining room now…
Snoop Dogg: Who’s that hick passed out on the diz-inner table?
Gene Simmons: It’s Ted Nugent.
Snoop Dogg: He must’ve gotten all F’d up dogg!
Madonna: Nope. Sarah hit him on the head with a tray of stuffing when he tried to kill her parakeet.
Stevie Wonder: Darn it! Stuffing is my favorite part of Thanksgiving!
Snoop Dogg: Speaking of birds, where’s the turkey?
Sarah: I burned the tofurkey so no bird, just side dishes. But there’s still plenty of food!
Snoop Dogg: Whaaaaaa? You can’t have a T-day without the T. Don’t you worry, I’ll save this Thanksgiving!
Snoop Dogg rushes out to his rental car and grabs a cooler out of the back. He brings it inside and opens it…
Snoop Dogg: TA-DAAAAAAAA!!!!
Pete Townshend: What was that?
Gene Simmons: Alright man!!! A turkey!!! Didja pick that up on the way over here?
Snoop Dogg: Nope. I chiz-ecked this shiz for my flight! Everyone knows that frozen turkeys are the best way to smuggle your weed!
50 Cent: Damn! Looks like you were right Keith! Keith…?
50 looks over at Keith Richard’s who is bent over passed out, resting his head comfortably on the tuna casserole
50 Cent: Keith!!!
Keith Richards: Errrrrrrrrrrrrr…..Lemme sleep just a lil’ longer Mick….I’ll be ready to go up on stage in a sec’ here….jus’ tell Charlie to play a nice lil’ drum solo….
Gene Simmons: He’ll be okay. I’ve spent every Thanksgiving with Keith for the past twenty years, and once he sees a tuna casserole it’s only a matter of time before he tries to rest his head in it. It is in fact the reason why he brought the tuna casserole. He doesn’t even eat fish. He doesn’t really eat anything come to think of it.
Stevie Wonder: I’m starving woman! Cook that bird!
Sarah: Stevie!!!
Stevie Wonder: I’m sorry for being rude. I’m just so high on Snoopy’s drugs. Can you forgive me? I don’t really dig this higher ground.
Sarah: Okay Stevie. I forgive you. It’s gonna take a while to cook that turkey though.
Snoop Dogg: Don’t worry bout that! We’ll just nuke it!
Snoop grabs the bird and throws it in the microwave
One minutes later…
DING!
Pete Townshend: What was that?
Snoop Dogg: Turkey’s done!
Snoop carries the bird out of the kitchen and places it on the dinner table
Sarah: Wow. It’s actually fully cooked.
Snoop Dogg: I am a miz-aster of the miz-icrowave.
Gene Simmons: Okay, who’s gonna carve the bird? Madonna?
Madonna: No thanks Gene. I am so thin and emaciated that there is basically no way I could handle that electric knife. I am saving my energy to lift my fork off the placemat.
Snoop Dogg: How’s about you Stevie Wonder!? You’re the hungriest! Then you get to get your biz-ird on first!
Everybody except for Snoop Dogg: UHHHH…
Stevie Wonder: Okay!
Snoop Dogg hands the electric knife to Stevie. Stevie swings the knife around randomly until he finally connects with the bird
Kanye West: Imma let ya finish carving that turkey Stevie Wonder, but I just wanna let everyone here know that Ray Charles is the best blind, piano-playing, African-American, turkey carver that there eva was!
THE END
