X is the Y of Z

“X is the Y of Z” is a snowclone–an adaptable, Mad Libs-like idiom like “May I compare thee to an X?”, “X is the new Y,” and “I for one welcome our new X overlords.” This snowclone touches on every subject imaginable, including music. So without further adieu, today’s topic is…

Beyoncé

Ah… Beyoncé.

I couldn’t name one song she sings, or one of her movies besides the Austin Powers one, yet I can’t un-glue my eyes from the TV when she’s on it, even if it’s a historically stupid commercial. Can you imagine the hysteria a nude video of Beyoncé would cause in major metropolitan areas and my apartment? Holy God.

Put it this way: If there were one human being who should be abducted, studied, handled with care, treated with respect, shoved into the copy machine, and turned into a line of Cylons who would first seduce and then annihilate the human race, I nominate Beyoncé. I’d sign up for that apocalypse immediately.

But while “Beyoncé” means “cataclysmically beautiful” to me, her name has a few other meanings to the other humans who scribble and scrabble around the Internet. Forgive them, Beyoncé! And please leak that video. God knows I don’t ask for much.

“NULLUM GRATUITUM PRANDIUM: There is no free lunch. I was once homeless now I am the Beyonce’ of Rescue Dogs. I know how to work it!”

(Oct. 27, 2009, Little Red Hairs Everywhere)

“Reagan is the Beyonce of Presidents”

(Oct. 9, 2009, Daily Kos)

“I had a craving for pancakes. Pancakes with maple syrup. Pancakes with salty bacon. Pancakes with sweet blueberries. Whatever they were, I wanted them. Only having pancakes would sort this craving out…obviously. The kind of pancakes I would be expecting would have to live up to the same standards of those had across the pond in the United States. American Pancakes…the Beyoncé of pancakes…The research was done, the venue was chosen and off we set. The venue of choice was Jack’s in Lavender Hill, Clapham Junction. This is the sister restaurant to the original Jack’s Cafe at Queens Park. The cuisine ticked all the boxes of Americana with stereotypically perfect words such as ‘bottomless coffee’ and ‘peanut butter’ splattered all over the menu. I had high expectations.”

(Oct. 9, 2009, The Little Welsh Eats the Big World)

“All young Catholic women are invited to attend the Young Women’s Summit, sponsored by the Office of Black Catholic Ministries on Saturday, October 17 in the Xavier University Ballroom.  The keynote address will be: ‘God, Why Me?’ and will focus on examining and deepening your relationship with God.  Workshop topics include: My Fabulosity; Being the Beyonce of Prayer; Stand Firm in Your Faith; and Why am I Catholic?.”

(Oct. 2009, Archdiocese of New Orleans)

“Yes thats my thoughts exactly. Marquetta is like the Beyonce of hair lol”

(Sept. 27, 2009, MarquettaBreslin.com)

“I think it’s more that her label knows that’s where a lot of her listeners are, and so they make an effort to promote her there. If you listen to mainstream radio, you’ll know that whenever Beyonce comes out with a new album, there are Beyonce spots galore. Neko Case is the Beyonce of NPR.”

(July 15, 2009, MetaFilter)

“Candice Davis, the Beyoncé of Track”

(June 1, 2009, Elie Seckbach, Fanhouse)

“That being said, all the single ladies, get on over to France. Not only will you have pleasant discourse with French guys who ski and speak English, but your blue eyes and straight white teeth will be admired all over the country. Consider yourself the Beyonce of small town France. No Jay-Z necessary.”

(Feb. 12, 2009, A Broader View)

“Courtesy of its curvaceously fluid lines, the styling of the 2009 Nissan Maxima can actually be called voluptuous. Long, lean, and gracefully agile, if the road is a dance floor, the 2009 Nissan Maxima is the Beyonce of sport sedans. Like that long-legged siren, the new Maxima has both the voice and the moves to accelerate your respiration and put you on a first name basis with perspiration.”

(Jan. 19, 2009, On Wheels)

“All the playstation 3 haters need to shut the fudge up, The PS3 is the beyonce of the console world, X-box is britney and the Wii is Christina Augliera.”

(Dec. 9, 2008, Gigaom)

“She writes articles for Creating Keepsakes Magazine, has published three books, teaches scrapbook classes nationally, is an inspirational speaker (read her blog), wife to a legislator, and mom to a darling little boy named Simon. This girl is the Beyonce of scrapbooking. More than a triple threat, Ali is a multi-faceted diamond! I was just a little excited about interviewing her.”

(May 29, 2008, Maegan Hall, Scrapjazz)

Mark Peters is a language columnist and humorist who writes for Good, Visual Thesaurus and other mags, while maintaining too many blogs, including Wordlustitude, The Rosa Parks of Blogs, and The Pancake Proverbs.

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