X is the Y of Z

“X is the Y of Z” is a snowclone–an adaptable, Mad Libs-like idiom like “May I compare thee to an X?”, “X is the new Y,” and “I for one welcome our new X overlords.” This snowclone touches on every subject imaginable, including music. So without further adieu, today’s topic is…

GWAR

It’s been a long time since I listened to, watched, or bathed in the bodily secretions of GWAR.

Yet it’s hard to forget the ultra-theatrical, uber-juvenile, wet-and-splashy antics of the band that called KISS’s showmanship and raised it by multiple decapitations and several buckets of blood. I’m proud to say I saw GWAR in London during a semester abroad just days after the Dave Brubeck Band. I couldn’t fathom why they didn’t play together, but my fathoming skills were still developing.

My favorite GWAR memory was getting a backstage visit at a show in Buffalo, NY, thanks to a DJ friend. This was sometime in the nineties, and I met the whole group, who shook my hand and autographed a poster with salutations such as “Fuck Earth.” The best part was meeting Slymentra Hymen—who looked about eight-feet-tall onstage, as she threw fire and paraded in a steel brassiere—only to discover a petite, polite performer named Danielle Stampe who appeared to pose little threat to human life.

Ah, memories! Such memories will have to suffice until the world finally recognizes me as the GWAR of quotation-collectors who also founded a religion based in pancakes.

“Chopin’s mandolin concerto in c minor opus 59 is like the Gwar of the 1760s”

(Sept. 8, 2009, nub, Twitter)

“We’re joined on February 26, 2009 for Episode 6 by Neil Erickson, Senior IT Director at a Fortune 500 company. Neil brings some much needed reality to our discussion, reminding us that enterprises are trying to solve problems, not obsess about open versus closed. Neil also calls us the Gwar of open source, bringing back lost memories of my youth.”

(March 3, 2009, Open Sources)

“So then (cause we can’t, we won’t, we don’t stop!) we hopped in my little blue (Nu)Porche and made it to Ann Arbor, a little hung over and fully rocked out, in time to tailgate with Kipp and his friends, who might be the GWAR of tailgaters. These dudes do it right. I’m talking satellite TV’s in the back of their HumVee’s, fifty men deep shot gunning beers every beer oclock and beer thirty, and a straight-up sports cooler filled with Jager bombs.”

(Oct. 28, 2008, T-shirt Size: Awesome)

“How do you describe a movie like this? The GWAR of film? The Citizen Cane of mutated body part weaponry movies? A David Cronenberg version of the Roadrunner cartoons? Honestly, I have no idea how to describe it, aside from saying it’s one of the most demented and hilarious movies I’ve ever seen, and to argue that, if this isn’t a “cult classic”, I don’t know what is.”

(Oct. 25, 2008, Grad Student Madness)

“Chris Pronger wants you to know how honored he feels as a new player in the NHL Weed Against Speed: The more I think about it, the NHL is the Gwar of professional sports.”

(Jan. 26, 2008, Melt Your Face Off)

“See, I realize that these games are never taken seriously, even if they were pure gold, and are hardly created anymore, but Boogerman is the Gwar of videogames, something that was not suppose to be anything more than a hint at some play on words, but was an underappreciated game. Some may say Gwar sucks, fine….if you know who Gwar is….but underappreciation of something so vile, funny, and original as Boogerman: A Pick and Flick Adventure. This character was unique…and gross! Which, as a kid made him cool I suppose, but I went back later on in life, and noticed the adult-themed humor mixed into this game that almost made it come off like an excellent comic strip. I think that this game’s time is dead…but it should be tried once to be appreciated for its pure stupidity and fun.”

(Nov. 29, 2006, Malacast Editorial)

“Then there was Kaiju Big Battel. A cheap description of Kaiju would be to call them the Gwar of professional wrestling. Though there isn’t much competition, it’s geek performance art at its finest as monsters and madmen settle their differences in the wrestling ring. The event was a deviation from the expected anime convention formula and presented fans a rare and exciting opportunity. Who knows when or where the next chance to see Kaiju live will be, so the fans at Anime Boston were really treated to the rewards of some outside the box thinking.”

(June 5, 2006, Scott Green, Ain’t It Cool News)

“yah, ive heard of them. i have friends who listen to them i think. i myself, have always thought of them as kind of like the ‘gwar’ of the rap world. you know, cause they are not really to be taken too seriously. i actually went to a couple of their shows a few years back. but it was only to beat the hell out of posers in the mosh pit.”

(Nov. 8, 2002, 1Emulation.com)

“Cal Hopkins Amish Armada are either the Creed of Luddite punk or the Gwar of Pennsylvania farm country, a careening cross between Slipknot and Witness that makes musical war on the world wrought by Alexander Graham Bell. In concert they sunder TV sets with chain saws and howl against the evils of photography. (Apparently amps and Gibson SGs are kosher.) They pause from their schizobilly racket only to dispense with one DJ E-le’k'tro, the embodiment of electronic music, who sometimes challenges drummer Jebadiah the Hunted to a live drum duel (man versus machine) and invariably gets his caves cleaned.”

(Oct. 30, 2002, Peter S. Scholtes, City Pages)

Mark Peters is a language columnist and humorist who writes for Good, Visual Thesaurus and other mags, while maintaining too many blogs, including Wordlustitude, The Rosa Parks of Blogs, and The Pancake Proverbs.

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