Rank!

We counted down the Stones’ complete 1970’s studio catalog, and now we take on the band’s output during the decadent decade of the 1980’s. This period found the Stones sometimes funky, sometimes fiery, but always feisty. Keep in mind, the countdown only includes studio album cuts, no live or unreleased tracks.

53. “Back To Zero”

From Dirty Work

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I guess there was a point in the 80’s where the leaders of nations actually needed reminding that the proliferation of nuclear weapons wasn’t such a good idea. So we really can’t blame the seeming obviousness of this song’s message.

We can blame the relative artlessness of the way it’s delivered, though. Mick Jagger pretty much checked out on the Stones on 1986’s Dirty Work, as he was truly responsible for only two of the songs on the album, leaving Keith Richards and Ronnie Wood to carry the load. This track doesn’t even seem strong enough to land a place on one of his fair-to-middling solo albums, let along on a Stones release.

The lyrics might be heartfelt, but they hardly sound like the result of much effort. And the truly cheesy arrangement represents the worst of 80’s studio excess. If you didn’t hear Jagger’s voice, you might think this was the work of one of the many one-hit wonders that passed through MTV on their way to obscurity. But “Back To Zero” is credited to The Rolling Stones, which is a travesty of nuclear proportions.

52. “Where The Boys Go”

From Emotional Rescue

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The biggest sin this song commits is that it fails to ever stand out as something original. It sounds like way too many other driving rockers that the band began to crank out with regularity once Ronnie Wood joined the band and they stumbled upon the swaggering chemistry they still display to this day. “Where The Boys Go” is not bad, but it’s the sound of the Stones on autopilot.

The only things that stands out on the track tend to do so because of how annoying they are, like Jagger’s soused Cockney accent and the screeching female back-up singers doing the call and response at the end. There’s nothing here that they haven’t done better so many times before.

51. “Had It With You”

From Dirty Work

LISTEN HERE  

Look, if you believe that Richards did most of the Dirty Work, and then take into account that this song was recorded at the time of perhaps the greatest friction ever between the Glimmer Twins, then I suppose you could read this song as Richards’ swipe at Jagger. But that would give this song some sort of historical value in the Stones’ canon, and it’s so slight and mean-spirited that it really doesn’t deserve it.

The bluesy grind of the music isn’t so bad, but the lyrics are just nasty in a lazy, broadside sort of way. Even the few bits of lightness that slip in are quickly blocked out: “Loved you in the lean years/Loved you in the fat ones/You’re a mean mistreater/A dirty, dirty rat scum.” Not exactly Hallmark material, right?

We can’t be sure if Jagger was the intended target. If he was, that might explain his dispirited performance. “Had It With You” is just angriness run amok, and it’s a side of the band that’s best forgotten in favor of their myriad more endearing qualities.

50. “Feel On Baby”

From Undercover

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The Stones made many forays into reggae territory over the years, to the point where you could almost expect it once an album. But this effort on Undercover has to be considered one of the lesser stabs the Stones made at the genre.

For one thing, the pace is a bit sludgy, allowing the groove to get so bogged down it sounds like it’s ready to halt at any second. Second, at five minutes long, it’s just too much of a mediocre thing, wearing out its welcome after maybe two.

Finally, it falls victim to way too much production fussiness, which overwhelms whatever modest charms are lurking beneath. The Stones have proven they can do reggae before, but this lackluster track wouldn’t exactly be exhibit A in that case.

49. “Continental Drift”

From Steel Wheels

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I guess maybe it isn’t fair to blast the Stones for repeating themselves with familiar rhythms and sounds, and then go ahead and give them a hard time when they try something new. But the truth is that “Continental Drift” deserves an A for ambition but only about a C- for execution.

Found on Steel Wheels, “Continental Drift” is notable for the fact that the boys traveled to Morocco to record with the Master Musicians of Jajouka, which was the same troupe that Brian Jones, one of rock’s first world travelers, played with in the late 60’s. But the snake-charmer keyboard loop that drives the song isn’t quite strong enough to do the special guests justice.

When the Master Musicians go on an extended jam at the end of the song, it’s quite impressive, no doubt. But it has little connection with the body of the song and the whole affair ends up feeling disjointed. If you believe it’s the thought that counts, then you can rank this one a lot higher. But the song, as a whole, is a letdown.

48. “Fight”

From Dirty Work

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Too often in the 80’s, The Rolling Stones tried to sound forceful and ended up sounding forced. As a result, you get misfires like this one from Dirty Work, which sounds like it was left on the cutting room floor of AC/DC’s studio.

The start is fine, with some glistening guitar work promising something great. But things quickly devolve into Jagger grunting convoluted, violent lyrics that don’t hang together at all. The chorus is gratingly repetitive, and there is no real moment of inspiration that shines through. People are hard on Dirty Work, but clunkers like this one give them a reason to be.

47. “Pretty Beat Up”

From Undercover

LISTEN HERE  

I wish that the Stones did more with this song, which is an impressive frame with little inside of it. The crunching guitar groove worked up by Ronnie Wood (who got a rare co-writing credit) and Keith Richards (who handles the bass this time) has some serious bite. The song is essentially a glorified instrumental, with Mick doing some improvising over the gritty backing.

That’s fine, but even instrumentals need some kind of variation within them to add some spice. Other than some fiery saxophone from David Sanborn, there is nothing much beyond what it shows in the first few seconds. And that’s just not enough for it to rate as anything better than a missed opportunity.

46. “Hold Back”

From Dirty Work

LISTEN HERE  

When I researched this countdown, I listened to every one of these songs three times. Plus, I had heard all of these albums at one time when I was a kid. And still, when I went to rank the songs, I had to listen to “Hold Back” again because I couldn’t remember it.

That’s not a good sign. The Stones have released a lot of songs in their career, many amazing, some not so much, but very few have been forgettable. But this song’s lone memorable moment is the lyrics bizarre name-dropping of Stalin and Roosevelt as examples of the go-getter attitude the song espouses. Even that bit of wackiness passes by too quick to register though, and you’re left with generic rock and roll from a band that usually can’t do generic even if it tries.

Go to Page 2 (Songs 45-36) >>

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