Baker's Dozen

Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.” – Genesis 4:1-8

Cain committed the world’s first murder (at least according to the bible) and we humans seemed to have learned a lot since then. It’s now a favorite past time of our species and we’ll do it for just about any reason you could imagine. Murder is a hot topic in music too, especially in the blues, country, and gangsta rap variety. In terms of popularity as a subject matter of songs it probably ranks third, just behind love and drinking. For this week’s Baker’s Dozen I’ve selected thirteen killer tunes about murder.

“Pardon Me (I’ve Got Someone To Kill)”

Andre Williams

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There’s nothing more endearing than a mannered psychopath and you gotta love a murderer who politely excuses himself before doing the dirty deed. Although written and first recorded by Johnny Paycheck in 1966, the version featured here is by the lovable R&B singer Andre Williams of “Bacon Fat” and “Jail Bait” fame.

“Laying Up with Linda”

The Lemonheads

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This Lemonheads cover of this G.G. Allin track is pure evil, a first hand account of a junkie who murders his girlfriend simply because one day he “just got bored.” Then, as he’s on the run he takes a moment to remember the good times: “…living with Linda used to be fun.”

“Axe Murderer Song”

Camper Van Beethoven

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Camper ask the age old question: “Why do axe murderers only attack/When you’re partially nude/Or you’re taking a bath?” If you were raised on slasher films, then you’ve probably pondered this quite often. “Why do lovers park down deserted lanes/Near haunted houses or homes for the insane?” Victims of Jason and Freddy always seemed to have it coming. Don’t open the door!

“Send Me to the ‘Lectric Chair”

Bessie Smith

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Don’t mess with the narrator in this Bessie Smith classic. She went crazy after catching her man with a “trifling Jane” and cut his throat. If that wasn’t bad enough, she then “kicked him in the side” and stood “laughing o’r him while he wallowed around and died.” At least she’s ready to meet her maker, begging the judge to send to the chair: “Burn me ’cause I don’t care.”

“Women Lose Weight”

Morcheeba with Slick Rick

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Take one listen to this track and you’re quite likely to be offended by the horrifying premise. Basically, a man doesn’t know how to end his marriage to a woman who’s put on too much weight over the years. He tried to ask her nicely to slim down, but to no avail. Therefore, he has no choice but to kill her, “Send that ass right to the morgue…”

“Song of Joy”

Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds

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“Song of Joy” vividly relates the gruesome tale of a woman who is murdered along with her three daughters: “Joy had been bound with electrical tape/In her mouth a gag/She’d been stabbed repeatedly/And stuffed into a sleeping bag.” Narrated by the grieving father and husband, it’s a chilling track delivered with Cave’s typical dramatic flare.

“Cocaine Blues”

Johnny Cash

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Although he’s better known for shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die, Cash also took a shot of cocaine and shot his woman down. The latter crime is taken from “Cocaine Blues,” and Cash, being the badass that he was, performed this sweet little ditty in front of a rowdy crowd of inmates at the infamous maximum security Folsom Prison. I bet the guards were thrilled.

“Somebody Got Murdered”

The Clash

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Sung by Mick Jones, “Somebody Got Murdered” is a rather ho-hum take on homicide, which is kind of surprising since it comes from the politically charged triple album, Sandanista!. Nonetheless, it’s vintage Clash, and Jones’ off-kilter delivery works perfectly for the simple-to-the-point-of-stupid lyrics. “Somebody got murdered/Somebody’s dead forever.” Need I say more?

“Poor Ellen Smith”

Molly O’Day & the Cumberland Mountain Folks

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This oft-covered bluegrass song is told from the point of view of a man who’s been sentenced to death for killing poor Ellen Smith. An although his date with destiny is fast approaching, he maintains his innocence, proclaiming, “The judge may convict me/And God knows he can/But I know I died as an innocent man.”

“Murder by Numbers”

The Police

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This cheeky song off Synchronicity serves as a great guide on how best to commit murder. Indeed, Sting can teach you how to turn homicide into an art. But the best part of the track is the biting political jab he throws in at the end: “But you can reach the top of your profession/If you become the leader of the land/For murder is the sport of the elected/And you don’t need to lift a finger of your hand.”

“Psycho Killer”

Talking Heads

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In one of the highlights of Talking Head’s debut, David Byrne inhabits the mind of a serial killer, perfectly capturing the paranoia and precision of his sinister craft. The twitchy energy of the performance really drives home an ominous air as Byrne delivers the opening lines with his trademark choppy vocal tics: “I cant seem to face up to the facts/I’m tense and nervous and I can’t relax/I cant sleep cause my beds on fire/Don’t touch me I’m a real live wire.”

“Killers”

Iron Maiden

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No list of homicidal songs would be complete without some classic early ’80s British heavy metal. My selection is Iron Maiden’s “Killers,” taken from the bands second record, and the last with original vocalist Paul Di’Anno. With all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the head, the song tells of a maniacal murderer on the prowl: “You walk through the subway, his eyes burn a hole in your back/A footstep behind you, he lunges prepared for attack/Scream for mercy, he laughs as he’s watching you bleed/Killer behind you, his blood lust defies all his needs.”

“Murder”

Tiger Lillies

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Another journey into the mind of a killer, although this time it’s the most demented and dirty trip yet. Infused with the wild abandon of the Tiger Lillies’ unique brand of twisted Brechtian gypsy cabaret, “Murder” is a joyous ride to the darkest depths of humanity: “Murder is easy, murder is fun/It’s better than sex, I always come/I like to stalk those I abuse/I like them to struggle so I can refuse.”

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