Artist List
If only all rock stars dressed like the Beatles did during their early days. Nice suits to match those trademark smiles and mop tops. I bet Paul and Ringo rarely cringe while looking back at their photos from this era. If only all rock stars dressed so conservatively. Unfortunately rock stars generally strive to be loud and obnoxious, and since there is no shirt and tie requirement for the daily livelihood of said occupation (unless you are a member of The Presidents of the United States of America) rock stars will, for better or for worse, dress the part. Here are ten instances for worse. And be forewarned, when rock and roll fashion goes bad, it goes VERY bad.
Rick Nielsen (Cheap Trick)
For such a talented guitarist and songwriter this guy can’t seem to throw together a matching outfit to save his life. The early 80’s seem to have been the worst era for Nielsen’s wardrobe. Spandex, wrestling shoes, and a seemingly endless supply of terrible sweaters. What kind of lead guitarist wears sweaters? I guess he was playing up the goofball image, trying to create a sort of cartoon persona onstage. He should have followed Cheap Trick drummer Bun E. Carlos’ lead, though…the shirt, tie and dangling cigarette will never go out of style in the world of rock.
Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes
The legendary TLC singer would have easily bypassed this list had it not been for a terrible early career gimmick. She used to stroll around wearing glasses with a condom taped over the left lens. Yes, it really did look as dumb as it sounds. Not surprisingly, she eventually ditched this look for a single black stripe under the left eye.
Kriss Kross
The history of hip-hop is littered with questionable fashion experiments. Take rap duo Kris-Kross, for example. They had a hit in 1992 with “Jump” and for a split second there it seemed like everyone was gonna start wearing their clothes backwards to emulate the duo. But then reality set in. It’s hard enough to take a whiz with a button-fly, but no fly at all can lead to days of misery. Rumor has it they perfected the art of defecation without removing ones jeans by placing the fly in the back though. Okay, I totally made that last part up.
Axl Rose (Guns and Roses)
Once Guns and Roses started to make it big, Axl apparently felt it was time to rip out the kilt. Always a bad move unless you are Groundskeeper Willy or a member of Flogging Molly. A kilt should never be worn anywhere near the playing of heavy metal music. Skirts are for groupies, not lead singers. Imagine the mixed singles Axl was sending Slash, as the guitarist was most certainly out of his mind, in la-la land on heroin, on-stage in an arena with this hot long haired chick singing all these songs just like Axl…but wait….it is Axl! And the American Flag garb with biking shorts and high tops wasn’t an improvement!
Angus Young (AC/DC)
Apparently Angus has yet to finish grade school since he still insists on sporting the little schoolboy uniform every night on stage. A truly frightening sight. Even though he is always seen in shorts, his legs seem to have avoided any contact with sunlight for years now. Either that or he has the rare affliction of being albino from the waste down. Regardless, cover up those glow sticks Angus!
Cyndi Lauper
When I think 80’s I think Cosby sweaters, the War On Drugs, Live Aid and the “Rock and Wrestling Connection.” The latter was a short-lived moment spear-headed by the match made in heaven of professional wrestling manager Captain Lou Albano and female songstress Cyndi Lauper. The funny thing about this pairing is that only a guy who wore rubber-bands in his cheeks could draw attention away from the oddball styling’s of Lauper. One has to remember though, it was the 80’s.
Dave Navarro (Janes Addiction/Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Is there anyone on TV more nauseating to watch than Dave Navarro on that “Rock Star” show? Is this what lead guitarists have become in the new millennium – TV co-hosts who insist on wearing leather pants, no shirt, and nipple rings? I get the feeling that if Randi Rhoads was still alive he wouldn’t have gone this route.
Of Montreal
There is a fantastic shirt available through The Onion website that says “Hipster D-Bag.” This shirt makes me think of Of Montreal. It’s not happening so much yet, but give it time. Of Montreal is a truly ridiculous looking band, but they are still kinda blending in since there are so many other “Hipster D-Bags” floating around these days. In five to ten years this fashion sense will be laughed at like it was hair metal.
MC Hammer
If only MC Hammer had hidden some of his cash in those gigantic parachute pants he probably wouldn’t have become the butt of a million jokes and the subject of not only a legendary episode of “Behind The Music,” but also a made for TV movie. The name of the big album was Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em,. Better advice would have been Please Hammer Don’t Wear ‘Em
Blue Oyster Cult
This entire band was just funny looking. It wasn’t like they wore intentionally bad clothing (okay some spandex) as much as they just always seemed like they were trying to act way more bad-ass than they actually were. Plus those mustaches didn’t really help. These guys, like a lot of metal musicians, seemed more nerd at heart and it certainly bled through their wardrobes. No amount of leather or spandex can conceal the fact that you are basically just a bunch of sci-fi geeks.
