Humor

TWO RIVERS – Trisha Comstock, a high school Senior from Two Rivers, Wisconsin reportedly told her best friend “Sawyer” – named after Rush’s famous song “Tom Sawyer” – that she’s “totally freaking” about Sawyer’s Dad’s insistence that she sit through all twenty minutes and thirty-three seconds of Rush’s 2112 because it will change her life forever…like it did his. Sawyer’s Dad, Walter “Wally” Nieder, an assistant manager at Sbarro’s in the Two Rivers Mall food court, insists that Rush plays nothing but mind-blowing shit, even if they are from Canada. According to Nieder, “2112 is my life’s one true anthem, but “Tom Sawyer” is like…well…my other anthem.” He claims he can completely nail that kick ass drum part in “Tom Sawyer” on the air drums.

Nieder’s wife Sissy backs his claim saying “it was what set Wally apart from the other guys in Two Rivers. He could really do it like it sounds, like he’s really playing the drums.” Sissy added, “There was that night in high school when we were all doing keg stands down by the Shebyogan and Wally just started air drumming to “Tom Sawyer” like he was goddamn fucking Neil Peart or something. I totally wanted him right then and there…at least from what I can remember because we were all pretty hammered that night. No…I’m sure it was him and he’s definitely Sawyer’s dad…I think.” Sissy continued, “like the other night we were in the truck at a stop light when “Tom Sawyer” came on and he just started whaling on the steering wheel like it was the drums. The couple in the car next to us were definitely impressed because they sat frozen staring at Wally after the light turned green. It was like they couldn’t believe Wally could move his hands so fast and drive at the same time. So Wally peeled out and we flipped them off because they had Illinois plates…fucking Illinois people.”

Nieder cornered Trisha at his house while she and Sawyer were playing Guitar Hero saying that as a senior, “it was time to for her to get her shit together and become a frigging adult.” According to Trisha, whose father left home years ago, Wally urged her to go sit in his “Basement of Syrinx,” where Rush’s red pentagram and naked man hangs above the couch. He told her to light the candles in the sconce then close her eyes and play all of 2112 on her iPod. Trisha ran out of the house complaining to Sawyer that her dad was “kind of really starting to freak me out.” She added, “just tell him I listened to it and that he was right, it rocked my world more than anything I’ve ever heard, even Death Cab For Cutie.” Once home Trisha told her Mom “I mean it’s like he’s that dude in Juno feeling like he’s got to be my dad or something and teach me about real music, only I’m not knocked up and he’s not nearly as hot as that dude. And besides, I don’t get why boys like Rush so much, that guy singing totally sounds like a chick…WTF is that all about?”

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