Commentary

When I’m bored, I like to play “I’m a major record/movie executive” and daydream the next big turns in popular culture. I was playing this very game the other day, at work, when I probably should have been, you know, working, and I started thinking about all those goofy old rock-and-roll movies put out by Elvis, the Beatles, and others before we got our MTV.

Now that MTV is a reality show station that occasionally promotes hip-hop stars and uber-produced pop singers, I think it might be time we bring the good old rock-and-roll movie back.

To make a rock-and-roll movie, what you need first is a band. Then a very, very loose plot. There’s a car race, say. Or a caustic venue owner. Our band has to overcome the venue owner’s evil plot, win the race, or something. Throw in attractive women. Spice up the lagging storyline with a dozen or so impromptu song performances. And lean heavily on the montages: band singing as they race away from adoring fans, bounce along the beach, dash through a carnival, finish the tune in an unexplained abandoned mine. Don’t forget about changing costumes several times during the montage sequence.
So let’s try our hand at it.

First, let’s take the new indie-rock gems, Black Kids. A euphoric group if there ever was one; nearly as euphoric as The Monkees. These guys (and gals) would make an easy jump over into the party-and-sing atmosphere of the rock-and-roll movie. They’re from Florida, too, so why not start at the beach? They can sing “I’m Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You” at a beach-blanket-bingo style surfing party, replete with tiki torches and a walk-on role for Don Rickles. In the end, they could teach us all how to dance in a mad dash through any number of Orlando theme parks (during our montage, of course) as they try to defeat a wily record executive and save beach parties from an over-reaching condo association.

I was recently shocked to discover that a greatest hits album has been released for Radiohead. They don’t seem to be slowing down, so it’s a little weird to see all their pre-In Rainbows tracks packaged like a farewell gift for all their hard work. But let’s say we put the less-than-euphoric Brits in their own rock movie to celebrate their old hits…in Hawaii. We open in Honolulu, where our heroes are hiding out, sunning, goofing about with banana-peel-and-crème-pie antics at a beachside thatch-roofed bar. Then a stodgy-minded politician arrives, supposedly vacationing but really on a secret mission to discover a long-lost relic that will give him the power to control the Internet distribution of music. Who can stop his evil plot? Why that sad fellow in the corner singing about “Fake Plastic Trees,” of course. Let the chase begin.

Okay. Enough beaches! What we need now is a downtrodden urban environment in need of a little rocking inspiration. So let’s send the Animal Collective up to Milwaukee! We open at a beer factory, where the whistle blows early one rainy afternoon and the boss announces the place is shutting down thanks to an evil beer baroness who’s husband may or may not be running for president. At first, Panda Bear, Avey Tare, Deakin and Geologist will be down and out about the whole affair. But as they walk into the rain on their way to the nearest watering hole, what should happen? Why, music, of course. Noisy, glorious music. And what is the evil baroness secretly allergic to? Well. It doesn’t take a mathematical equation to get our boys on the job of running her out of town and saving the beer factory for everyone.

Okay. So this was a silly exercise. But, seriously, can we get a few more rock-and-roll movies around here? I’d really like to see Tom Waits (he can act, after all) in his own big-screen musical.

What are your favorite rock and roll movies? Create your own Top 5 list HERE