Commentary

Last month I totaled my car by hydroplaning on a highway exit ramp during a rain storm, sailing off into the trees. “Going Under” by Evanescence was on the car stereo at the time, so hearing that song, or any other song I was listening to around that time, now gives me anxiety attacks.

This month, after grappling with the insurance company over details, I have a brand new Honda Pilot, complete with XM satellite radio. (They give it to you free for 2 months and then make you pay for it, and I was sure after 2 months of all those choices I would be hooked). Regular New York radio sucks, and I thought it would be a good time to check out some new music that didn’t have such strong associations for me, so I started browsing the XM stations. Their slogan is “170 channels to Turn You On,” so I didn’t expect I’d have that much trouble finding something I like. After listening to them, though, I’ve concluded that all XM means is that I now have nearly 200 radio stations with nothing on instead of a couple dozen.

The problem is that XM is trying to be everything to everyone and is simultaneously too shallow and too deep. I pride myself on being unique, but with 5 alternative stations you would think in 3 days of driving the new car I’d hear at least one song I like. Leaving out talk radio and sports, here are some highlights of the XM programming:

Kenny Chesney Radio, Channel 18: XM has 6 channels devoted to country, which is not one of my favorite genres, although I do love Lyle Lovett and appreciate the Jack White-produced Loretta Lynn album. I can accept that country is extremely popular nationwide, though, and they may have good reasons for devoting so many stations to it. Does Kenny Chesney REALLY need his own station, though? Chances are if you are the type who is going to wake up in the middle of the night thinking, “I have to hear Kenny Chesney RIGHT NOW or I’ll die,” you’re already going to own all his albums and it will be easier to just pop a cd in than run outside and put the car on.

Christian Channels (32, 33, 34): Okay, see above for why this is not for me, but other people may love it. However, New Jersey happens to have a kickass Christian radio station, if there can be such a thing. It’s called Zarephath radio, it’s been around since 1920, was founded by the Pillar of Fire church, and I spent 4 weeks listening to it without realizing it was a Christian station because the music was so great. When/if I find Jesus, I’ll be listening to Zarephath, not the sanitized XM version.

Radio Disney, Channel 115: I’d like to kill the car salesman for this. My kids are 9 and 5 and during the summer I spend every minute of the day with them, hence the only time I’m relieved of hearing Disney stuff is in the car. I managed to get away with not ordering the DVD player because it cost $13,000 more, but Doug, did you HAVE to tell them about Radio Disney?

Oldies (XM has a block of channels they call Decades, 4 for 40’s, 5 for 50’s, etc. through the 90’s): this is a great idea in theory and I’m sure there are people who keep their radio turned to one of these stations all the time. I’m an 80’s music lover and I keep switching back to channel 8 to see if something good is on. However, I don’t really want to hear Pat Benatar, Journey, Robert Plant and Night Ranger in a row. It’s more fun mixed up, which is why the iPod shuffle came out, people.

Alternative stations: XM calls their alternative stations Fred, Ethel and Lucy, which is funny in a way…I’d like to meet the marketing executive that approved that decision. They play the music I’m supposed to like, at least in name. However, I’ve been a Cure fan for 25 years now, and every Cure song they’ve played so far I’ve never heard of. Hits and deep cuts mixed in is nice, all deep cuts is tiring.

Sigh. I guess it’s time to get back on the horse and hall out the cds again.