Commentary

Ah, dating. The age-old method in which we try to find someone we can imagine spending time with… that may or may not lead to love and, if things work out really well, marriage. So many tomes have been written on how to find that perfect person.

If you’re female, you’re taught to look for the guy that calls when he says he will, pays for the first date and opens doors for you (antiquated, I know… but not completely forgotten). If you’re male, you’re trained to look for someone that doesn’t seem too catty or high maintenance. No matter who you are, you avoid the game-players.

Personally, I think more should have been written on the music side of dating. Music plays such a huge role in our everyday lives and you can learn a lot about someone through the music they listen to, its role in their life, their philosophy on it and its priority in their world.

Imagine you’ve gone on a couple dates with someone. Things seem to be going really well… this could be a potential winner! You really like them and they seem to feel the same way. And then, they invite you over to their apartment. In the living room, while they’re fixing drinks in the kitchen, you’re left alone to check out their CD collection.

The Beatles, cool. Moby, interesting. Arrested Development, not bad. Dead Can Dance, nice. They’ve got some diversity going on – yay! The Feelies, sweet!

Oh. God. Wait a minute… Aqua? They have “Barbie Girl” on CD?! Oh no, no, no!

But, they were so perfect! Suddenly you’re second guessing everything you thought you knew about this person. How do you play off this newly gained knowledge? Do you ignore it? Do you bring it up jokingly? Do you run screaming for the hills?

If you ignore it, it could forever be that one strange quirk of theirs you never get past, ultimately dooming the relationship. If you joke about it, you could: 1. potentially offend them, or 2. learn that they used to be in a CD club and forgot to return the CD of the month, ending up with a crappy CD they never bothered to get rid of. Or, if you run for the hills, you tell your friends of their crappy taste in music, how they were not really that interesting and that they were a lousy kisser.

Over the years, I’ve learned a few things about relationships via music. While they may not be groundbreaking or the end-all, be-all of relationship rules, they are decent tidbits. Most of all, they were clues to the person I was, even if I didn’t realize it at the time.

The priority in which each person places music in their lives, if too disparate, can be a bad sign. Several years ago, I dated someone who listened to Bob Marley and Tom Petty, peripherally. He had a few albums of each, but was just as happy in silence as he was listening to them. There was no passion for either. While I’m not a fan of Petty or Marley, I don’t despise them and could have grown an appreciation, perhaps.

But, the fact that he was so “eh” about music should have been a good indicator for me that things weren’t going to work. While I don’t care that all of my passions are matched, my passion for music is the biggest part of who I am. Sad to realize it took me so many years to figure that one out.

When in doubt, ask about the sketchy CD in their otherwise blemish-free collection. The Aqua CD? It was a CD club sent, but unwanted, acquisition. My now-husband and I still have it, it’s the occasional butt of jokes in our house.

You can find happiness with someone who doesn’t have your exact taste in music. When it comes to CDs and music, my husband’s strengths were my weaknesses – and vice versa. Combining our CD collections led to a very well-rounded set with very few crossovers, but perfectly complementary. While I liked techno and had a few CDs, he had a huge assortment and was happy to educate me. While he liked some oldies and had a general appreciation of The Beatles, I brought his ’60s knowledge to a whole new level.

Now, I’m not saying that I don’t think that someone who only listens to Vivaldi can’t have a long and lasting relationship with someone who listens only to Megadeth. Stranger things have been known to occur. Or that someone who has never turned on the radio can’t happily coexist with an audiophile.

We all have our quirks, rules or lessons when it comes to music in relationships. I’m curious, what are yours?

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