Give Us More Tribute Bands!

There is an alarming number of Queen cover bands spread across the globe. Enough so, in fact, that I propose a Queen cover band convention—possibly to be held in Richmond? We could call it “Another Conference Bites the Dust.” But seriously, there is a particular Queen tribute group based out of Turkey who got me thinking: What if an all-Middle-Eastern Queen tribute band were to arrive on our shores? Could the power of their ROCK make peace in the world? I, for one, am willing to give it a shot.

Picture this. You’re stranded out west somewhere. Maybe in the desert, or Kansas. You’re out of gas. You’re out of a job. You don’t know what to do with yourself. So you saunter into a local watering hole and discover a group of middle-aged men with long hair, wearing bright red-and-yellow tights. They all look like Captain Lou Albano. But they launch into “Running With the Devil.” Their lead singer leaps into the air, spins around, does the splits. Their guitarist wails a mile a minute. By the time they reach “Jump,” are your troubles over? I think so.

Stevie Wonder was so good in the seventies, it’s hard to even get your mind around it. If we can’t get a tribute act to keep this music alive, then satellite radio should at least devote a station to it. And if we can’t do that, let’s convince Stevie to go on a tour honoring his decade of incredible music. He could call it the “Before I Called to Say I Love You Tour.” But if he’s resistant to the idea, we can send him back to the seventies in a time machine. Or send ourselves. Hmm… a Stevie Wonder time machine?

I’ll start a Hall & Oates tribute band right now if anybody’s game. I’ll even wear the funny moustache. All we need is a pair of Miami Vice suits, super-cool hairdos, and maybe a big black cat to walk on stage during “Maneater.” For real, though: have you ever heard Hall & Oates in public and not seen people sing along? However gleeful they were, however full of preposterously extended metaphors (check “One on One”) and goofy antics, Daryl Hall and John Oates made some unforgettably good pop tunes. And in times like these, we need ‘em more than ever.

These art-rock pioneers have let a lot of rumors spread about a possible reunion tour. I’m for that. Bryan Ferry may be in his sixties, but I’d still be glad to see Roxy back together, especially if Eno comes along. But since such a reunion may split a hole in the space-time continuum (perhaps our link for the Stevie Wonder time machine?), I suggest something a little more insultingly pro-record company: an all-star tribute band. We’ll put Amy Winehouse on vocals. Why not? And that guitarist from Aerosmith, we’ll definitely need him. The Black-Eyed Peas will have to fit in somewhere. Dave Grohl of Nirvana and Foo Fighters on drums! Nikki Six on bass! Oh, yes. Love really is the drug.