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I’m a sucker for a good piano bar, a good piano bar with alcohol. This past week I hit one as a member of an English teacher’s convention; the other large group was a raft of Coast Guard inductees. This made for pretty much the terrifyingly surreal audience you’d expect– after a few beers, even the silent tables warmed up to shrieking the words to “Hey Baby” in a gender-specific singoff.

With summer wedding season in full swing, if you’re one of those who are firmly entrenched in Not Participating, make sure you’re in the bathroom when the DJ goes to these floor-fillers:

YMCA, Village People: No matter how dance-impaired you are, it’s impossible to screw this one up. Or look less stupid.

Sweet Caroline, Neil Diamond: It’s the most instrumentally inviting participation song out there, as Red Sox fans aren’t the only ones who can come in correctly on the BUM BUM BUM.

Lucille, Kenny Rogers: Not for the feminist faint of heart, the piano players at Howl at the Moon Saloon go to this whenever a bachelorette party leaves the stage, and the well-trained audience slings some PG-13 rated adjectives, ones the star of “Lucille” probably had in mind when she picked that fine time to leave him.

Jump (For My Love), Pointer Sisters: A song *and* a cardiovascular workout. When they get to “Jump,” you do.

Mony Mony, Billy Idol: “Hey …” never mind. If you don’t know the bar call-back, it’s probably best to keep it that way.

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